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Okay, let’s take a look at what’s been done while I’d been using Russian for the purpose of self-control. First of all, the main reason why I shifted back to Russian was the bloody noise, which indicated mental exhaustion. Was it really mental exhaustion? I dunno. I felt extremely happy writing poems in English every week and investing all my energy into doing research for the discussions at the club. Then, the tinnitus arrived and I switched to Russian. After that, I met A and decided to abandon English for at least a couple of months. I thought it would be super relaxing and, after a certain period, I’ll be able to dive into my studies with a new, refreshed spirit, but in fact it turned out quite differently. This is the first time I haven’t solved the noise problem by changing languages. This is the first time, and now I think it no longer makes sense to put off my studies.
This is very unusual for me to be dependent on someone, to see myself being incapable of neither going my way nor strolling wherever she wants me to go. In normal circumstances, I’d just tell her whatever I think about her behavior, probably calling her a fool and drawing a picture of her potential future stemming naturally from her obsession with work, lack of self-regulation, wild desires, etc. But no real dialogue is possible ‘cause she’s not gonna listen to any criticism and wants to see only “positivity”.
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